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Coming Out of the LGBTQ Lifestyle

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes, 18 seconds

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Devotional Day 4 Audio

On day 3, we discussed breaking up with our same-sex partners. Unfortunately, the breakup isn’t the last war you’ll face in this stage of the journey. When you end your relationship, the enemy is just getting started, and he will use any and everything he can to keep a shackle on your feet. His goal is to make you believe you aren’t really free and you don’t have any other option but to keep the door open. When we mess up, he will also use shame and condemnation to cripple our attempts at moving beyond them. Let’s look at some of the possible ways your ex can re-enter your life. I’ll use some personal examples.

All The Doors

When I left my ex, there were plenty of doors open, as you’d expect. Some God began to highlight for me, but my fear of losing those comforts had me dull their significance in my life. The enemy tried to return several times because fortification had only just begun. First, because it was just before my birthday, my then-ex felt a need to bring a birthday gift once celebrations had died down. I was about to enter into the grief of the loss of her and everything attached to this Egypt (Exodus 3:7-8) God was bringing me out of it. Needless to say, the timing was wrong, and the enemy wanted it to be a stronghold though innocent in appearance. A gift was left on my door knob while I was sleeping. Once I retrieved it and realized who it was from, I had a sinking feeling. I knew I couldn’t keep it. 

Others would call me extreme for my actions, but I felt the Holy Spirit guiding my steps and clarifying what could not go with me. With much guilt and hurt, I threw away the gift–a very ironic gift. It was a lion engraved on a wooden business card holder. I knew she meant well, but looking back, it felt like a counterfeit lion of Judah, the real Lion of Judah is described in Revelations 5:5. Jesus is the Lion of Judah. So the business card holder felt more like a calling card from the enemy–who the bible says this about, “Be Sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” ( 1 Peter 5:8; NKJV). It was as if the devil was telling me he wouldn’t stop coming after me. However, Holy Spirit reminded me that as long as I submit to God and I resist the devil, he will flee . And that if he wanted me, as long as I made Abba my fortress, he would have to go through Him first. I say that to say this, be wise and begin to take note of how the enemy tries to enter into your life through open doors, gifts, “innocent” conversations, guilt and spiritual attacks. 

Demonic Attacks 

At this time, the enemy was also assaulting my mind and seeking to use scare tactics to pull me back into my old life. So it didn’t stop and start at emails, texts, or random calls. God allowed me to see a demon in my room one night while I was sleeping. The enemy meant it to scare me and keep me from moving forward, but God used that to validate the reality that the kingdom of darkness was real and hell was a place He didn’t intend for me to go. It increased my faith to have witnessed this demonic entity and helped me close and fortify doors, windows, and anything else that was a weak area in my life. At the time, I was petrified, but I want you to know that the devil is not above using any particular spiritual attack. Be mindful that these things can happen, but they are not more powerful than God (1 John 4:4). But let’s dig into how guilt is used when exes return.

He Uses Your Guilt 

Because these changes occurred during the pandemic, I and others around me were falling ill. Then I got the call. Although I blocked her number, I knew it was her if a private number called. When it happened to my ex, though we were not communicating, I was one of the main people she called to relay the information. Instantly, my heart for her was softened. She called when I was fragile as I was getting over COVID and was missing her greatly. This led to the door being reopened and me struggling to close it back. The guilt of leaving her to deal with the fears and stress had me feeling like I was a terrible person. I even brought her a COVID test thinking it was innocent, but I knew I was also motivated because I missed her.

Holy Spirit would consistently remind me that I wasn’t her Savior, He was, and that this was a ploy of the enemy. We had even attempted to go to church together once, and it again felt “good”. Abba provided grace at these times as we tried to support each other through phone conversations. Our conversations at some point always dropped off to reminiscing about a past that did not belong to us. Abba would impress upon me that although this was “good” (to support others and love your neighbor) in this circumstance, it was not God. He didn’t want us in communication because it was not best for any of us; it would not lead us to God as our romance had been an idol. What relationships in your life keep coming before your relationship with God?

It didn’t matter if we were both pursuing relationships with God, we were not healed enough to be in communication in any way, and the journey was not meant for us to take together even if we felt we should be able to. Who is God calling you to cut ties with? This will be difficult when it’s your turn, but the longer the door stays open, the harder it is to close. Open doors give the enemy the legal right to make a mess of your life.

I wanted to be frank with you all and show the different scenarios that can crop up at random points creating conflict and contention but are really some of the enemy’s dirty tricks. Of course, he can’t make us give in and follow through with these temptations. We are most certainly led away by our own desires; the bible says “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed” (James 1:14). What desires continue to draw you away from God? We have to choose to deny ourselves consistently. Remember, all things may be permissible, but not all things are beneficial, and if it leads you away from God, it’s not God (1 Corinthians 10:23). Holy Spirit has to become your comfort, not your ex, and lucky for us, that’s the Holy Spirit’s nickname (one of many).

What’s Comforting You?

I struggled to release hidden comforts too. The less obvious one was actually kryptonite for my walk if I didn’t become accountable before God. I know some of you know that sometimes the relationships that don’t work out end up evolving into longtime friendships or longtime comforters, I should say. 

An ex from years before had become somewhat of a best friend but it wasn’t always platonic (you know about the cuddle buddies). It didn’t matter if my mind or heart tried to convince me that it was. God repeatedly showed me that I often relied on her to fill the empty spaces for the last several years. So though I let go of my recent ex, this friend was still a presence in my life. I had to let her go too. I struggled with this decision because I thought I could maintain my walk and not be influenced by her. I was also mad at God that I had to give up so much. But I was reminded of how wrong I was; 1 Corinthians 15:33,” Do not be deceived: ‘Evil company corrupts good morals.’” We were living two different lives.

I stumbled in this area, but God used it to show me this was not Him either. He wanted to liquidate my life–EVERYTHING MUST GO. He began drawing a boundary around everything and everyone that was not like Him. I later learned how that made Him more of a loving Father than I could have known. The things I wanted to keep were like the sharp corners of a thick luxury glass dining table–that when I wasn’t looking, my little toddler eye level would miss, and I would collide with sin I would eventually regret. He wanted to keep me from stumbling (Jude 1:24). 

Eventually, I did the hard thing and told her it was best we were no longer friends. I had to get over the potential of her misunderstanding me and even being hurt. Then, several weeks passed, and I hit a snag in my walk with God. That old desire to fill the holes with people instead of God came up. Loneliness was the point in the past that usually drove me back to women. I was lonely, and I hated it. It was as if God made preparations for this, though, not just for me but for her. I made contact with her to find that she had moved and was no longer in our city. I was both sad and relieved. If God had not moved her, I don’t think I would be here in the capacity that I am, so I was grateful above all. I was protected. “We know [with confidence] that anyone born of God does not habitually sin; but He (Jesus) who was born of God [carefully] keeps and protects him, and the evil one does not touch him,” (1 John 5:18; AMP). We still had one more tie- a dog we had adopted together. 

She texted one day through a method I didn’t remember I could be reached by. She told me our dog Nami had cancer. I cried immediately as I had plenty of memories with this sweet pup, but I also understood it was God’s way of closing every door and removing paths backward. I struggled with my emotions for a few days because, at this same time, I would be on vacation near where she moved. If I so chose, I could have been there when the dog was being put down–but everything in me said that was a terrible idea. 

My perception was that it was just one more attempt at the enemy sticking his foot in the door of my past. Nami was put down, and I had to block my ex once again. I eventually turned all the loss into prayers for those I left behind. I say these things to you because sometimes you will get knocks at the door of your past. Sometimes doors will even fly open, but we have the wisdom and self-control to close these doors back, ignore a knock, and bar the past from interfering with our walk with the Lord. 

Reflection Questions:

This week there are no reflection questions, but instead, a challenge. I challenge you to be open and authentic with God. Talk with Him about your feelings, fears, and struggles. Ask Him to draw boundaries around what is hampering your surrender to Him. Ask Him what relationships must go and what items need to be removed from your home. Ask Him for the desire and strength to choose His will over yours, close doors, and tie up loose ends. Remember, you don’t walk this out in your strength. Believe me, I tried and failed SEVERAL times in my teens and 20s. God does not expect you to make it without Him. He’s waiting for your call. 

Prayer:

[Spontaneous Prayer] 

See you next week on Devotion Day 5, Coming out of the LGBTQ Lifestyle.  

Day 3

Day 2

Day 1 

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