Devotion Day 1: An Introduction
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes, 17 seconds
You’re here because you were curious about the tinge of guilt you feel when you’re doing what feels “natural” to you. The guilt hits when you’re doing something as innocent as holding your girlfriend’s hand in public, yet you push it down. You’ve likely had more than a few thoughts that living your life as a queer or lesbian woman might not be what God wants for you. You push that down too. You’re here because you’ve been thinking about God lately as you see the world cycle through crisis after crisis. You have concern for your soul. It looks like the “last days” your grandmother spoke about are here.
Conflict within your heart about whether you’re acceptable to God as you are begins to swelter. Questions come: Would God really allow me into His kingdom, and go against His own word, for my sake? You’re wondering, Is my gay identity a thing I might have to get free from? Is freedom even possible? If so, how?
Journey with me as l recap my coming out journey so far, right through to where God has me now, about 11 months after rededicating my life to Him.
No Justice, No Peace
My gay friends always told me once you’re gay, that’s it. It was always the same “you were born this way”, wrapped in pride and assurance but little peace of mind. It was never enough for me, though. No amount of appeasement that this was my birthright, to be gay and happy, gave me solace. No invitations to gay-affirming churches made me feel accepted. No, prayers that God would tell me He was okay with my gayness and wouldn’t change me went answered.
The only thing that did happen, though, was ceaseless wrestling between all of my sins which went far beyond my queer identity. Those sins attempted to go to war with a loving God who had more for me than all my combined choices could yield. Ironically, the adage, No Justice No Peace, rang true in my life. I had no peace (for long) because as much as I was supposedly free, I was actually bound. There cannot be peace where there is no genuine justice or rightness. I was wrong in the eyes of God, but in my own eyes, until He gave me vision, I was “good”. So while I believed I was free in my gay identity, God took several patient years to show me I needed freedom from my gay identity. 2021 would be a new kind of coming out.
13 And Bisexual
Coming out of homosexuality felt impossible, though. From the age of 8, I had same-sex attractions that I could not voice or understand. They grew with age, trauma, and curiosity and transformed me from a boy-crushing little girl to a bisexual pre-teen and a lesbian/queer woman. I lived this way from age 13 to 32.
Throughout those years, God never stopped calling me, knocking on my heart, or using my choices of disobedience and rebellion to hopefully soften my hard heart and prove He was the only way. This paragraph puts it simply, but it was by no means easy. To be free of the LGBTQ lifestyle meant giving up EVERYTHING I knew about myself and eventually everybody I knew who wasn’t going in the same direction.
I’ll get to all of these things in future devotions. Stay with me.
What to Expect from this Devotion Series
I plan to authentically walk you through the process of coming out of the LGBTQ lifestyle in a devotional format. This first devotion is an introduction to the devotions that will follow. I’ll use personal anecdotes, scriptures, and questions to help you navigate the process much like you’ve read up til now. This devotional assumes two things about you–you’re questioning your way of life, and you’re curious about what God has to say. This is the best starting point.
Now, the choice to pursue freedom is yours. And if I can, I’d like to impart some peace to you before bringing day 1 to a close. You’ve searched and found this devotion because God is knocking on your heart and revealing Himself in the most gentle way that only He can. We don’t give ourselves the knowledge of God, nor can we pursue God if He is not calling us into pursuit. This means God has you on His heart and is drawing you. He knows you by name, and He’s searching for you. He will leave the 99 sheep to seek after the 1 who is lost. You are that 1.
- When did you first realize God was knocking on your heart? How did you feel?
- Have you imagined what your life would be like if you were free from the lifestyle?
- Pray and ask God to speak His Truth to your heart and open your eyes while you read the following verses. If you don’t yet own a bible, download this bible app or continue to use the online bible linked to the verses. Sit with these verses. Use a journal to write prayers to God if praying audibly is difficult at first (it was for me). Ask Him questions about His word. Give Him time to reveal Himself to you.
My Prayer for You:
I thank Abba (Daddy, Papa) Father for you. I pray His Holy Spirit, who is the comforter and leads us into all Truth, would comfort and encounter you. I pray you would have a tangible sense of the love of God being poured out on your heart and that you would feel His grace and mercy. I pray that what you read in the word of God would fall on fertile soil, take root, and that you would develop a hunger for The Truth. That nothing would come between the work God is doing in your heart. God says His word does not return to Him void. I pray that whatever burdens you carry, you would be willing to lay at the foot of the cross as Jesus says with His own words, “Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest”. I pray the rest of God over you. In Jesus’ name, amen.